Misadventures, Part V

So my buddy Ari enjoys flicking his friends off (One should note – this was the least dirty way I could open this story in talking about giving someone the finger. Seriously. Why does everything I write these days sound like a euphemism?). Anyway, it’s usually from a distance and often in public settings. Frequently, although by no means necessarily, Ari’s middle finger is provoked by a mild dig at him. For instance, telling Ari that a tv show he likes, in fact, is terrible, will draw a middle finger. Commenting on “his suck decision for a lunch order” will almost always result in the bird as well. Sometimes, however, spotting him from a distance on the sidewalk will result in the middle finger as well. This all got me into trouble yesterday at the gym.

So Ari, Mike, and I are in the weight room. Yes, I know where it is, thank you very much. Ari’s using some machine before me, and he decides to do another set although I am nearly ready to use the same machine. Since I know a comment about this will draw a middle finger, I decide to preempt Ari by looking down the row of machines at him and giving him the middle finger. Bam! I am clever. Or so I thought.

Directly next to Ari is a girl who has been minding her own business, using the next machine over. Turns out, when I am giving Ari the middle finger, which had to stay up for 5-7 seconds (basically about 4-6 seconds longer than one wants to leave the finger up in a public place) because Ari had looked away, the girl on the next machine had looked over to me. Yep. I flicked off some random girl in the weight room. I rule.

As a bit of a strange aside, she only furrowed her brow slightly when I flicked her off. The lack of outrage says to me she probably did something that deserved it. I’m just saying is all.

Predictions for the Week

Here are my picks for this week's chosen games:

25 points, Colts (+2.5) @ Broncos: Manning has owned Denver, and despite the Colts' seeming weakness this year (14-13 over Tennessee), I like Peyton to do enough to win this one.

15 points, Steelers (-9) @ Oakland: Even with Big Ben wondering where his motorcycle is, I like the Steelers in this one.

10 points, Eagles (-6) vs. Jaguars: Eagles seem to play well every other week, so we're going with them on this one.

5 points, Bengals (-4) vs. Falcons: I hate to pick the Bengals, but they should win this game by a bunch. The Steelers should have beaten Atlanta by two touchdowns last week but committed some stupid turnovers.

1 point, Jets (+2) @ Browns: Mangini has the Jets playing hard. The Browns cannot score very many points. I'll take a shot.

Links

So here's a random assortment of funny links and / or stories. Except for the one's that aren't funny.

As the caption says, sometimes it really isn't all that hard to ID the rapist. (courtesy of Erik)

I was doing a little search on the border fence news (because when the Act was first signed, CNN had a picture of a chain-linked fence up, which was hilarious) and I found this gem. So, um, if you're so slow that a photographer can take a picture of you futilely trying to climb the border fence, in broad daylight, how much of a chance do you actually have of making it into the country?

And finally there are the Not Safe For Work (NSFW) links and a story without a punchline to go with them: For those of you familiar with AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) or any other instant messenger for that matter, you'll know that you can send links to other people also using the instant messaging client. You may also know that you can link certain words as a substitute for the link, not unlike I have in this blog entry for "caption" and "gem". Well, what's technology without a diabolical use? A certain friend of mine and I have taken to im'ing other friends with disguised links. That is, not only do we substitute words for the actual links we're sending, but we substitute in fake links. Thus, a p-rn site looks like an espn link in the IM window. Certainly, this is nothing new. (Many have done this at work with a link that takes the victim to a site that, at the loudest possible volume shouts, "I'm looking at gay p-rn!!!!" and makes it impossible for the user to leave the site unless he turns off his computer. High comedy for cubicle users.)

What we've brought to the table is doing such things in class. With dreadful links. (e.g. google 'meatspin' or 'tubgirl' to get an idea) Let me reiterate... do NOT click on these at work... or ever... if you want to be able to eat again. Really, I mean that.

So anyway, the other day, after running out of people to 'meatspin', I sent the aforementioned friend a link to meatspin. Just straight up. Didn't try to hide it. In scrolling over it to try to discern what it was actually a link to, he clicked it. In class. To say my friend hid behind his laptop laughing at his error would be an understatement. Try... shook convulsively to the point of eliciting stares from classmates. As he later said, it's a good thing class was almost over.

Anyway, I promised that this story didn't have a punchline. And it doesn't. Go forth with your new knowledge and have fun tricking people. But don't say I didn't warn you about those sites.

Revisionist History, Indeed (plus the NFL spreads for this Week)

Apparently Jerry Springer was ousted last night on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars." I found this out via the MSNBC article titled "Jerry Springer: Gentleman Till the End." This is hilarious to me. Some of you may not be aware of this, but prior to breaking up fights between transvestite lovers who may or may not be siblings, Jerry was actually an elected official -- the mayor of Cincinnati. But it gets better than just the tale of following up a career of public service with referring cage matches between twelve year-old crack and sex addicts.

Do you know why Jerry Springer is no longer the mayor of Cincinnati? Because he was caught with a prostitute. Who he attempted to pay with a City of Cincinnati check. That bounced. I honestly cannot make this sh*t up. So, Jerry is quite clearly a gentleman till the end. Or at least until it's time to pay the hooker.

On to this week's NFL spreads. Remember, assign 25, 15, 10, 5 and 1 point to each game. Pick the MNF winner (we can dispense with the point total from now on) if you have not already done so. here goes:

Favorite Spread Underdog

TENNESSEE TITANS 3 Houston Texans

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 6 Jacksonville Jaguars

CINCINNATI BENGALS 4 Atlanta Falcons

NEW YORK GIANTS 9 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

CHICAGO BEARS 16.5 San Francisco 49ers

GREEN BAY PACKERS 3 Arizona Cardinals

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 6 Seattle Seahawks

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 2 Baltimore Ravens

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 8.5 St. Louis Rams

Pittsburgh Steelers 9 OAKLAND RAIDERS

CLEVELAND BROWNS 2 New York Jets

DENVER BRONCOS 2.5 Indianapolis Colts

CAROLINA PANTHERS 4.5 Dallas Cowboys

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

New England Patriots 2 MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I Rank Thee

Here are the rankings for the NFL pool as it currenty stands (dropping the worst three weeks for everyone). Very close race, actually.



Geaux Irish: 155 points
Clown hater: 144 points
SpragueND: 127 points
CU Lions: 122 points
QC: 112 points
Festering in Dallas: 105 points

We're Not Good At Gambling

Not that this needed independent confirmation for any of you who have had the opportunity to witness the awesome power of my suckitude whilst in a casino, but it should be noted that we, QC and its readers, are not good at picking winners in the NFL. The results of the pool are listed below. To be fair, this week in the NFL had its share of surprises, so the results are not that out of whack with what the "experts" picked as well.

Winner of the pool this week is CU Lions, with a whopping total of 25 points.
Three-way tie for second with SpragueND, Festering in Dallas and WC coming in at 15 points.
Geaux Irish rebounded from last week's zero points to post 5 this week.
And Clown Hater took over the zero spot.

Cheers!

Unparalleled idiocy, really

I normally avoid politics on this site, primarily because it's a sport commentary site, and because the discussion of politics (particularly in an electoral environment) really leaves me depressed.

HOWEVER, I do not avoid unarguably blatant stupidity, and that's what this is. Take some more Oxycontin, big fella. In fact, take the whole bottle and spare us your blathering.

In ND news, Charlie was apparently not happy that Tennessee and Florida jumped ND in the polls. I agree that Tennessee should be behind ND, but Florida's lower ranking seemed to me to be a product of losing in the middle of the season rather than at the beginning. I do not believe ND could beat Florida if they were to play tomorrow, so I have no real problem with that ranking.

Attending only my third away game ever this weekend (first: Michigan in 1997). The second one was Michigan State in 1998, so let's hope this is a more successful road trip for the Irish (and for me -- that was the day I screamed at EM, left Keenan and drove to East Lansing through a freaking blizzard. Then ND got hammered and we almost were assualted leaving that shithole that is East Lansing. Nice day, all in all). So Go Irish, Beat Navy.

NFL Week in Review

Monday Night Football is becoming a seriously painful viewing (and particularly listening) experience. That's right, I'm talking about you, Joe Theisman. Tirico does a serviceable job as the play-by-play announcer (despite the ridiculous guests welcomed to the booth -- Hank Williams, Jr.??) and Kornheiser is very, very good as the "everyman" color commentator. Theisman, however, seems to exist solely for the purpose of disagreeing with everything Kornheiser says. Last night, for example, Tony K. made a number of salient points regarding Drew Bledsoe's immobility and how it was hurting the Cowboys' chances. Joe, of course, disagreed, most likely because the hummer Drew gave him before the game was still in the back of his mind. Joe would make a perfect high school coach (belligerent, does not know how to actually coach, former athlete). Please ESPN, I am literally begging you.

On to the games:

Atlanta 41, Pittsburgh 38: Because God hates me (could it be the kitchen knife I held to my brother's stuffed animal's neck as a child??), the Falcons covered with the kick. I wish herpes were more disabling, Ron Mexico. Part of me thinks I should have decapitated that stuffed bear as well. At least I would have gotten my money's worth for that divine retribution.

New England 28, Buffalo 6: New England is starting to play better and now looks like the prime candidate to knock Indy from the realm of the unbeatens. Belicheck must be a great coach, because there are few players on that team I would want playing for ND in college right now. OK, maybe the offensive line guys. Buffalo? Not good. The world needs ditchdiggers, too, Bills.

Cincinnati 17, Carolina 14: The Bengals win a close one. Very impressive considering 1/2 the team is in jail.

Kansas City 30, San Diego 27: San Diego completely befuddles me. One week great, the next shitty. Schottenheimer is just waiting to screw the pooch on this one. I have Week 13 in the pool.

Green Bay 34, Miami 24: They played this game? All tapes were immediately burned, so I'll have to take your word for it. Brett Farve's farewell tour continues. Interesting question: who's had the worse last two years: Brett or President Bush? Tough call, I say.

New York Jets 31, Detroit 24: Eric Mangini continues making a difference with the Jets. The Lions continue to suck. At least they didn't cheat, as opposed to some other Detroit teams we know....

Tampa Bay 23, Philadelphia 21: 62 yard field goal???!!!!! Maddening inconsistency from the Eagles, but the Bucs are a decent team that really could not afford the exploding spleen of their starting quarterback.

Houston 27, Jacksonville 7: stinker game. Jacksonville is not this bad, nor is Houston this good. For one week, though, Texan fans can forget they passed on the single most exciting player of the last decade.

Denver 17, Cleveland 7: Denver may go 13-3 without ever having to score 30 points. Ridiculous. And when they need Jake the Snake in the playoffs, he will choke. Also, the sun will come up tomorrow. I'm just saying.

Indianapolis 36, Washington 22: I thought I was denigrating the Skins when I said they would go 8-8. Now they would be lucky to do so.

Oakland 22, Arizona 9: tick, tock, tick, tock...Denny Green's coaching life whittling away.

Minnesota 31, Seattle 19: Good for the Vikings. Hard to celebrate on a sex cruise after a loss.

Giants 36, Cowboys 22: Parcells is Hobbsian (except that "short" refers now to his tenure) at this point. I hate both this teams. A plague upon both their houses.

Scores from the pool to follow tomorrow.

Hilarious

If you're looking for a laugh today, check out the article titled "Rules for Fat People at Sporting Events" at MZone.

Well done.

So I'm Supposed to Go to This Wedding....

...on Saturday for two friends from D.C., and of course, the wedding begins at 3:30. I think to myself, no problem, the Irish are supposed to beat UCLA by two touchdowns. I brought my cell phone/PDA with me knowing that I could (1) log onto the internet and get delayed scores and (2) get text messages from my brother-in-law with the score. As an aside, who gets married on a Saturday in the fall? Especially people our age? Priorities, people.

So what happens? ND scores first (this is during the ceremony when I get the score), and all is well. Then UCLA scores - and then scores again. Now I am a little worried. We've moved into the reception portion of the wedding (pre-dinner). I am, at this point, nervously checking the scores every few minutes.

Long story short - we end up leaving the wedding because the little one is becoming uncontrollable, and get back in the car with UCLA punting. ND gets the ball back with 1:02. The rest is absolute beauty.

A couple of things about the game: from everything I've heard, the O-line played atrociously. That needs to change in a hurry. Also, ND had better beat USC. As they continue to slip in the polls and the BCS while winning, a loss to USC could knock us out of contention for a BCS bowl game. The Gator Bowl doesn't sound real enjoyable right now.

NFL Gambling Predictions, Week 7

Crunched for time this week, so I've only listed my top 5 picks again and the reasons why. Here goes:

25: Steelers - because they are my team and are due for another win. Plus Atlanta cannot throw he ball.

15: Chargers - Chiefs suck.

10: Jets - they're at home against the Lions and only giving 3.5

5 - Carolina - I hate the Bengals

1 - Arizona - because the Raiders will not cover.

MNF: Cowboys, 47 total points

NFL Pool, Week 7

Listed below are the games and spreads for the week. Same rules as always: pick 5 games, assigning 25, 15, 10, 5 and 1 points. Pick the MNF game (if not already picked) and the total number of points in that game. E-mail your picks to questionablecommentary@yahoo.com.

Favorite Spread Underdog

San Diego Chargers 5.5 KANSAS CITY CHEIFS

Jacksonville Jaguars 9.5 HOUSTON TEXANS

New England Patriots 5.5 BUFFALO BILLS

Pittsburgh Steelers 1.5 ATLANTA FALCONS

MIAMI DOLPHINS 4 Green Bay Packers

Philadelphia Eagles 5 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

NEW YORK JETS 3.5 Detroit Lions

CINCINNATI BENGALS 3.5 Carolina Panthers

Denver Broncos 4.5 CLEVELAND BROWNS

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 9.5 Washington Redskins

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 6.5 Minnesota Vikings

Arizona Cardinals 2.5 OAKLAND RAIDERS

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

DALLAS COWBOYS 3 New York Giants

Let the Heavens Be Praised....

...we're back. Whether we're better having had some rest on vacation, well...let's not get ahead of ourselves. First order of business is some housekeeping. Listed below are the scores from last week's pool. They are not good, which is to be expected in a week where Detroit, Tampa Bay and Tennessee all finally managed to get victories. Oakland did the 0-fer crowd proud, though, by continuing their unbroken streak of pathetic play. When the spread on the game is more than the average points the other team scores (Denver 12.7, spread was 15), it might be time to find a new team to root for. Anyway, on to the carnage:

SpragueND: 31 points
CU Lions: 26 points
QC: 25 points
Festering in Dallas: 15
Clown hater: 1
Geaux Irish: 0

First time anyone has achieved the coveted "zero" point total while still submitting picks. Reminds me of a story, actually. Back in high school in bucolic Evansville, Indiana (don't ask), I was invited to join a four member bowling team for the summer of my sophomore year. Since my other options were (i) working or (ii) working, I went with the bowling option. We had a team of two girls and two guys, and all of us could rightly be described as "very bad." But so was everyone else in this league.

The league decided that, due to occasional no-shows, it needed to institute a "blind score," which is a replacement score for any member of your team that did not show for the match (80 pins, in this case). By the end of the season, our other guy member was so bad that the girls on the team were openly rooting for him not to make the match because 80 pins was about 30 higher than he could possible achieve. I was rooting for him not to show for other, more devious reasons.

On to the world at large and some random musings.

The first BCS rankings were released Sunday and ND is eighth. I don't really have a problem with eighth since most of the teams ahead of ND are probably better. We'll see if we get to USC 10-1.

Articles today about Weis being approached by various NFL teams during the bye week. The best quote of the article was Weis saying "I'm here until they fire me, or I die." I don't think anyone's firing you anytime soon, coach.

Cardinals and Mets in a Game 7 tonight. Can either of these teams beat the Tigers? Mets probably have a better shot, if only because it would be strength against strength (Tiger's pitching versus met's hitting). The Cardinals don't hit or pitch as well as the Tigers, which means they'll probably win.

Miami football, despite Stewart Mandel's vigorous defense yesterday, is a thuggish program. What Stewart fails to understand is that you do not get a free pass on everything that has happened in the past. He wonders why the special prejudice for Miami. I would argue that it is because Miami, almost singularly during the past twenty-five years, has not only disgraced itself repeatedly in on- and off-field incidents, but has publicly reveled in doing so. For example, see Miami's former-player-turned-announcer. If you want to have a program that relies on "living on the edge," don't cry when the edge cuts you. And Donna Shalala as a university president is obscene. Please.

Hockey is apparently in-season. Who knew?

Currently reading Flags of Our Fathers. Only about 50 pages in, but absolutely terrific so far. it is the story of the six soldiers who raised the U.S. flag at Iwo Jima. If you're looking for an easy read that is also pretty powerful, pick it up. Also just finished Malcolm Gladwell's Blink, a book about harnassing the power of split-second impressions. Very interesting, although I liked his Tipping Point more.

Joe Theisman is atrocious. My ears literally bleed when I am forced to listen to his ramblings. Is there no one else who could do that job competently?

Misadventures, Part IV: Gettin' the Nod

So Katie, Ari, and I are out drinking on Saturday night on the Upper West Side. We found this hole-in-the-wall place that was literally a hole in the wall. Or maybe it had holes in its walls? I’m not sure. I was a few into the night at that point. Anyway, after drink number 4, I head to the bathroom. The setup is as such: a urinal next the stall, with the door to the stall facing the urinal. When I walk in, the bathroom is empty. So I step up to the urinal and… eh, commence. (not “George Michael” commence… I mean, I just started to use the bathroom). About 2 seconds in, I hear a noise from the stall next to me… the stall that has its door ajar, mind you. So I lean back and peer in. I mean, I didn’t want to get jumped Scream style. Lo and behold, in the bathroom I had previously thought empty, there is a dude sitting on the toilet. Why did I think the bathroom was empty? Oh, right. Cause the frickin door to the stall was open. So anyway, as I peer in, the guy looks up at me and gives a head nod! A head nod, people! In case you’re not well versed in head nods, they’re the type of thing you throw to someone you know as you pass them on the street. On the social greeting hierarchy, they’re right below saying hi without stopping and just above averting your gaze towards your watch or the street so you don’t have to make eye contact with someone. You’ll notice, nowhere in that statement did I include, “Give a head nod while you sit on the can with the stall door ajar.”

So, the moral of this story: sometimes bathroom stalls are better left alone. Especially when there are dudes just chillin’ in them.

NFL Gambling Predictions, Week 6

My feeble attempt at prognostication this week:

25: San Diego
15: Philadelphia
10: Cincinnati
5: Chicago
1: Seattle

MNF total points 37

83 and sunny in Hilton Head today. Snowing in D.C. tomorrow. ^%$&%#.

NFL Pool, Week 6

Posting the lines. I'd still email QC with your picks though.

Seattle at St. Louis(+3.5)
Philly at New Orleans (+2.5)
Cincy at Tampa Bay (+6.0)
Tennessee (+10.0) at Washington
Carolina (+3.0) at Baltimore
NY Football Giants (+3.0) at Atlanta
Houston (+13.0) at Dallas
Buffalo (+1.0) at Detroit
KC (+7.0) at Pittsburgh
San Diego at San Fran (+10.0)
Miami (+2.5) at NY Jets
Oakland (+15.0) at Denver

Monday Night
Chicago at Arizona (+11.0)

Misadventures, Part III: A Bit Too Flashy

So I'm at a point now, with working out, where I'm in between belt buckle holes. This is not quite the euphemism that it sounds like. Literally, I have to adjust belt buckle holes from when I sit (one from the last one) to when I stand (the last one). Otherwise, the pants slowly fall down. I know what you're thinking, ladies! What's the problem?! Well, apparently my wearing of pants is important to most parts of society. Like people who want to keep their lunch down. One should also note: it's tricky thing to have to adjust your belt because it always just looks like you've done something inappropriate.

Well, usually I adjust the belt before I get up, but yesterday I forgot. So I was walking through the library, having just come from class (and having just been sitting down). So, I waited until I was between bookshelves somewhere near the very back of the library to make the belt adjustment. Well, it just so happened that someone walked by at precisely the wrong time, and looked at me when I looked up. All I could say was, "Uhhhh, it's not what you think..." To which the guy responded, "Yeah, sure," and kept walking.

So I've decided if someone is just going to assume I've done something wrong when I adjust my belt, instead of apologizing, I'll say something witty like, "Did you enjoy the show, perv?" Loudly. Especially if we're in class. Or the library.

That should go over well.

Vacation looming

Headed on vacation shortly, so list below is abbreviated. Will try to post something interesting while on vacation. Go Irish, beat Cardinal.

Winners against the spread: Indianapolis, Washington, Detroit, New Orleans, St. Louis, New England, Chicago (10), Cleveland, Jets (15), Kansas City (25), San Francisco, Philadelphia (5), Pittsburgh (1), Baltimore.

NFL Pool, Week 5

After that shitacular week last week, here's hoping QC can get a little more on track with this week's slate of games. I altered the format of the listing slightly for ease of reading, but the rules remain the same: list your 25, 15, 10, 5 and 1 point games, the MNF football winner (if not already selected) and the total number of points scored on MNF. Send your entries to questionablecommentary@yahoo.com.

Week 5 Games

Tennessee (+18.5) @ Indianapolis
Skins (+4.5) @ Giants
Detroit (+6.5) @ Minnesota
Tampa Bay (+6) @ New Orleans
St. Louis (-3) @ Green Bay
Miami (+9.5) @ New England
Buffalo (+10.5) @ Bears
Browns (+8) @ Panthers
Jets (+7) @ Jaguars
Kansas City (-3.5) @ Cardinals
Oakland (+3.5) @ San Francisco'
Dallas (+2.5) @ Eagles
Steelers (+3.5) @ Chargers

MNF: Ravens (+4) @ Broncos

Jeter Continues His Nefarious Plot to Drive A-Rod to Suicide

Not surprisingly, given that it is October and the Yankees have once again made the playoffs, Derek Jeter went 5-for-5 last evening with two singles, two doubles and a home run. Alex Rodriguez managed a single to go 1-for-4. I think this has less to do with Jeter being "clutch" in the playoffs than it has to do with Jeter's single-minded obsession to destroy A-Rod. Four years ago, A-Rod made some fairly disparaging comments regarding Jeter in Esquire, and Jeter has clearly never forgotten. We here at QC applaud this type of lengthy retribution and hope for it to continue for many years. Even if Derek Jeter is clearly a minion of Satan.

Mike and Mike had an interesting debate this morning regarding Jeter/A-Rod (and by extension, Peyton Manning/Tom Brady). The debate was which player would you select if starting a team? They had Tony Dorsett on as a guest and he argued strongly that Brady was a "winner" and since the object of sports is winning, he is the "obvious" choice. While I agree that between Manning and Brady I would select Brady (little statistical dropoff plus proven success in the playoffs), how far does this argument logically extend? Mark Rypien won a Super Bowl. Is he a "winner"? Trent Dilfer? It seems to me that arguing about the impact of one player's "refusal to lose" when 21 other players also affect the outcome is short-sighted.


Watched Friday Night Lights last night. Stop reading if you don't want to know what happened. There are a couple of points that need to be made regarding this show. First, I am absolutely convinced that people from Texas are batshit crazy when it comes to football. Putting that much energy into anything involving high school kids is insane. Second, the show has promise, although they did rely on the "star quarterback is injured in the first game" cliche and also threw in the "back-up QB leads them to victory" cliche as well. Varsity Blues, anyone? The show will be interesting only if they concentrate on the lives off the field. Gratuitous high school sex, violence and alcohol abuse is always good for entertainment on an otherwise slow Tuesday.

In the list of bad decisions, this one ranks right up there. Have a cold one for me, Mel.




And finally...you know those times when you feel a little down and think the world rewards those who take the easy way out or cheat their way to the top? Sister Mary Ann at St. Ignatius used to say those people would get their "comeuppance" in the next life. Sometimes it's good to see karma kick those people in the balls now, though. I give you:

Nice game against Illinois, donkey.

Misadventures, Part II

Like I said... on slower news days, I'll post some misadventures that I've been (un)fortunate enough to be a part of. Without further ado...

----

So we used to play street hockey. All the time. What can I say, we lived in NJ. Anyway, I needed a new stick, as the one I had been using developed a severe crack one day. The crack was unrelated to my smashing the stick on the street in anger after losing. Entirely unrelated. So, I went on the internet, as the Sports Authority seemed a bit pricey. Well, you know Dick's Sporting Goods... I decided to look there first at about the same time my mom walked into the room. End of story.

Moral: The website for Dick's Sporting Goods is decidedly not "dicks.com" If you go there, especially with a parent in the room, you will have to come up with a story more believable than street hockey equipment needs. Just FYI.

NFL Recap, Week 4

Bad week for the pseudo-gambler (5-7). I managed to lose a couple of games by a point or less, but that's why the oddsmakers know what they're doing. Listed below is the recap of the games and the point totals for the pool this week.

Atlanta 32, Arizona 10: Thankfully the Kurt Warner Era in Arizona is ending, and that should make the gambling component of this team much easier to understand. Atlanta is an enigma to me. Maybe that Saints game really was rigged, and Atlanta is a better team than it first appeared to be.

Buffalo 17, Minnesota 12: Is J.P. Losman for real? Short answer: no. Always hard to predict the winner of a donkey fight, which is what this was.

Dallas 45, Tennessee 17: I actually changed my pick once I heard Vince Young was starting, so a little pat on the back for QC. All of the national reporters seem to think this was a positive beginning for Vince Young (and maybe it was). I actually think he is going to be a terrible quarterback and have very little success at the NFL level. One of the reasons for this is that Vince is very, very stupid. It's generally difficult to succeed at the QB position in the NFL without an 80-IQ (but Carson Palmer is doing it, so anything is possible).

Kansas City 41, San Fran 0: Question -- why did SF ever switch uniforms? I was watching a game on ESPN Classic the other day, and the old uniforms look so much better than the current ones. KC might be decent this year, but they need Trent Green back to be able to beat a real team.

Indianapolis 31, NYJ 28: Jets continue to overachieve, while the Colts continue to live on the razor's edge. Indy is not going to win it all without a real running game, so my bet is someone else comes out of the AFC this year. The Jets could be really good in a couple of years.

Carolina 21, New Orleans 18: Perhaps the NFC South is just this bad. NO looks like a legit 8-8 or 9-7 team, despite the difficult upcoming schedule. Carolina is going nowhere unless Steve Smith gets healthy in a hurry.

Baltimore 16, San Diego 13: feels like 2000 all over again. The Ravens defense controls games and the offense does just enough to win (or not lose). McNair is an obvious upgrade at QB, but the Ravens are winning with smoke and mirrors right now. San Diego was bitten by Marty's conservative playcalling (again). He's like the Chan Gailey of the NFL.

Houston 17, Miami 15: I told you about Daunte Culpepper. Not good. Houston gets their first win (on the way to 4). The Dolphins are so pissed they did not sign Drew Brees and his cockroach face right now. Although that guy and Sam Cassell might be the only two professional athletes ugly enough to not get laid on South Beach.

St. Louis 41, Detroit 34: Please fire Matt Millen. It's inexplicable how both he and Donald Rumsfeld still have jobs. Is actual job performance not a category in their reviews? "You seem like a nice guy...."

New England 38, Cincinnati 13: Excuse me while I do the dance of joy.

Cleveland 24, Oakland 21: Oakland blows a 21-3 lead. Art Shell continues to impress with the depths he is willing to go to appease gamblers. Nice investment in Aaron Brooks, by the way.

Washington 36, Jacksonville 30: The Redskins tried very hard to lose this game but managed to find a way to win it due to the brilliance of Santana Moss. Brutal schedule still makes for an 8-8 team.

Chicago 37, Seattle 6: Perhaps Chicago is for real. They certainly appear to be the class of the NFC (and possibly the NFL) right now. That defense is impressive, and the offense looks good as well.

Philadelphia 31, Green Bay 9: score inflated by Farve's inability to complete passes to members of his own team (and his amazing ability to complete lots of passes to the opposition). Eagles are the class of this division, as I told you. No TO = peace.

This Week: 5-7
YTD: 21-23-1

If we were wagering $100 on each game (and we had to pay a $10 vig for each loss), current winnings/losings for the year: minus $430


NFL Pool Results

Clown Hater: 46
Festering in Dallas: 30
SpragueND: 30
Geaux Irish: 20
CU Lions: 20
Questionable Commentary: 15

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Just a quick note... For those of you who "gamble" "online" at "poker sites" or "sports betting parlors", you might be interested to read this snipet in USA Today.

I'll be interested to see how the industry responds to the bill (soon to be law). My guess is that people aren't just going to leave a multi-billion dollar industry on the table. They'll work around it somehow (e.g., set up other corporations to which credit card companies can make payments, etc.) Oh well, should be interesting.

McDonald's Rage

Other than mocking failed sports teams from time to time (because most of mine failed much earlier in the season), I plan occasionally to post some clips of life from the crazies I deal with in NYC. So, enjoy.

Side note: Is Ronald McDonald the creepiest clown ever? Second creepiest?
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Have you ever engaged in a four minute debate at a McDonald's about whether "breakfast" is over? Have you ever wanted to but not had the guts to haggle with the cashiers? Well, folks, your hero passed through the West Village area the other day. I'm standing in line, two people behind this guy who is just berating the cashier about how it's 11:02 and they must still have some damn breakfast because breakfast only ended two f**king minutes ago. And so on. Well, they finally dredge up a breakfast burrito for this guy, at which point, he picks up his phone, calls home, and in the sweetest voice, says, "Honey, Daddy got you a breakfast burrito, is that okay?" To which the answer must have been, "No." Because he apologized to her, hung up, and then proceeded to ream the cashiers some more. This goes on for a few more minutes, to the point where they come up with an Egg McMuffin. Guy leaves happy. Guy right in front of me has great timing... goes up to the counter after the first guy leaves, and goes, "Hey, am I too late for breakfast?"

Thoughts as we Begin the Work Week

So, I did not see the ND-Purdue game on Saturday. I was playing in a charity golf outing and only managed to see a few plays while making the turn. Obviously, I caught the highlights, but since ND is #12, that consisted of about 3 plays. Anyone want to give a quick rundown of the game in the comments section? How did we give up 400 yards passing to Purdue? Did we play well?

Below are some random thoughts I had while driving into work today and while sitting here not working. Enjoy (or not).

• I hate dolphins. Most of my ire is directed at the ones in Miami, who have consistently cost me money this year, but - out of spite - I also include the annoying mammals shown in the picture to the right. Has the dolphin ever actually accomplished anything (other than a starring role in Ace Ventura)?
  

• Rumsfeld says he won't resign. I find this shocking, particularly because people always seem so eager to give up power. Besides, isn't there some quasi-Arab monarchy/dictatorship with oil that needs a democratic government imposed by force?
  

• Ahh, the last refuge of the truly depraved (hiding). Representative Foley, after sending e-mails to 16-year male pages with lines like "Do I make you horny?" is now claiming alcoholism and is entering an alcohol treatment facility. No word yet on whether visiting high school youth groups have been propositioned by Foley. Bonus depravity: Foley was chair of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus.

• I told you the Phillies would collapse in the most painful possible way.
  

• What a dumb-ass. Airplanes/airports are not a really good place for personal expression, buddy. TSA screeners...ahh, reminds me of a story. When I was looking to change jobs a while back, I had to take an aptitude test (remedial math and reading questions to judge basic competency) at a computer store where they also administered the TSA screener entrance exam. Apparently, you need only score 80% on the TSA exam to pass, and here was one of the questions: "Identify the gun from the following two images (images of scissors and a pistol is put on the screen)." I am not kidding.

• Wow. Porn is now Wal-Mart. KUPs apparently now longer needs a commissioner. Sad day.
  

• Clemens reported to have used steroids. I hope this is true, if only because the Rocket is such a monumental jackass. Somewhere, Bill Simmons just had an accident in his pants.