NFL Week in Review

Monday Night Football is becoming a seriously painful viewing (and particularly listening) experience. That's right, I'm talking about you, Joe Theisman. Tirico does a serviceable job as the play-by-play announcer (despite the ridiculous guests welcomed to the booth -- Hank Williams, Jr.??) and Kornheiser is very, very good as the "everyman" color commentator. Theisman, however, seems to exist solely for the purpose of disagreeing with everything Kornheiser says. Last night, for example, Tony K. made a number of salient points regarding Drew Bledsoe's immobility and how it was hurting the Cowboys' chances. Joe, of course, disagreed, most likely because the hummer Drew gave him before the game was still in the back of his mind. Joe would make a perfect high school coach (belligerent, does not know how to actually coach, former athlete). Please ESPN, I am literally begging you.

On to the games:

Atlanta 41, Pittsburgh 38: Because God hates me (could it be the kitchen knife I held to my brother's stuffed animal's neck as a child??), the Falcons covered with the kick. I wish herpes were more disabling, Ron Mexico. Part of me thinks I should have decapitated that stuffed bear as well. At least I would have gotten my money's worth for that divine retribution.

New England 28, Buffalo 6: New England is starting to play better and now looks like the prime candidate to knock Indy from the realm of the unbeatens. Belicheck must be a great coach, because there are few players on that team I would want playing for ND in college right now. OK, maybe the offensive line guys. Buffalo? Not good. The world needs ditchdiggers, too, Bills.

Cincinnati 17, Carolina 14: The Bengals win a close one. Very impressive considering 1/2 the team is in jail.

Kansas City 30, San Diego 27: San Diego completely befuddles me. One week great, the next shitty. Schottenheimer is just waiting to screw the pooch on this one. I have Week 13 in the pool.

Green Bay 34, Miami 24: They played this game? All tapes were immediately burned, so I'll have to take your word for it. Brett Farve's farewell tour continues. Interesting question: who's had the worse last two years: Brett or President Bush? Tough call, I say.

New York Jets 31, Detroit 24: Eric Mangini continues making a difference with the Jets. The Lions continue to suck. At least they didn't cheat, as opposed to some other Detroit teams we know....

Tampa Bay 23, Philadelphia 21: 62 yard field goal???!!!!! Maddening inconsistency from the Eagles, but the Bucs are a decent team that really could not afford the exploding spleen of their starting quarterback.

Houston 27, Jacksonville 7: stinker game. Jacksonville is not this bad, nor is Houston this good. For one week, though, Texan fans can forget they passed on the single most exciting player of the last decade.

Denver 17, Cleveland 7: Denver may go 13-3 without ever having to score 30 points. Ridiculous. And when they need Jake the Snake in the playoffs, he will choke. Also, the sun will come up tomorrow. I'm just saying.

Indianapolis 36, Washington 22: I thought I was denigrating the Skins when I said they would go 8-8. Now they would be lucky to do so.

Oakland 22, Arizona 9: tick, tock, tick, tock...Denny Green's coaching life whittling away.

Minnesota 31, Seattle 19: Good for the Vikings. Hard to celebrate on a sex cruise after a loss.

Giants 36, Cowboys 22: Parcells is Hobbsian (except that "short" refers now to his tenure) at this point. I hate both this teams. A plague upon both their houses.

Scores from the pool to follow tomorrow.